November 15th: Always A Good Day

Today is Jakes birthday. He would be 22. Strange that his brother is the same age that Jake grew to be. I have as usual been nervous about this day but November 15th is not a bad day. Actually, today has consistently been one of my best days, followed by January 14, and October 22nd. (My other kids birthdays). November 15th is a good day. The day my first son was born and also, the day Jake came home from treatment in India. On that day, exhausted as he was, he got to see so many of his family as we celebrated his return. So I will try my best to remember that. I know I will have my moments as I have had a few already but today, I celebrate his birth and all the great birthdays I had with him and the rest of my family. To do anything else I am sure would cause Jake to give me that questioning look that says "Dad, what are you doing?" Its my birthday!
Happy Birthday Jake!

Year and a half

Over a year and a half has passed now since the worst day of our lives. An interesting statement, the fact that there is a moment so memorable in our lives that we can actually title it. Time in and of itself has made it more bearable however, I know now unquestionably that the pain will never go away completely (not that I really would want it to as pain seems to be intertwined with happiness).

I suspect that from what others have told me, the pain will continue to decrease. That being said, I had gone to a group grief counseling and listened to several others who too had lost a child at a young age. They expressed their pain as "levels" with 1 being the worst and decreasing as the numbers increased. Most of the time they floated between 3 and 5 which I figure is probably the way I am now. What I had found interesting then was that the people telling their stories were talking about children that had died over 7 years ago and more! At the time I thought "How can it still go down to level one after 7 plus years? Over the past 1.5 years so many have told me how they just cannot imagine how bad one could feel losing a child. I have struggled to figure this out myself and have finally come to be able to explain just how it feels:

When your child is born there is a unexplainable joy that cannot be calculated or explained. It is a love that is so strong it defies explanation. This is a parents love for their children. To lose a child is the exact same feeling except it is 180 degrees in reverse.

My life did not turn out to be exactly the "Leave It To Beaver" or "Donna Reed" show as I had daydreamed and tried so hard to make it be. That being said, I am still having a very good life and a much better one than many. This experience changed me forever, some of it in good ways, others not so good. With all that had happened in the last few years, I still have many fond memories. I have lowered my expectations to a more realistic point of view somewhat although I am still a dreamer and strive to reach for the sky in all things that I do. I still believe that with determination almost anything can be made to happen. I find that almost nothing bothers me anymore with the exception as usual of the health and well being of my family, friends and pets. I lead a much simpler life now. I own less, spend less and appreciate more. I am happy just to be healthy.

I am now re-inventing myself for the third time in my life. My first career was of course electronics and "Captain Video" the company I owned for over 25 years. In 1998 I started my second career Intelligent Solutions which was computer programming, automation, video editing and computer repair and this had done very well for me till a few years ago when the plunge of the economy and the surge of technology caused the prices of computers to drop. Thankfully Intelligent Solutions still continues but like most everyone else at a lower level.

An interesting opportunity came my way in May of this year that I had never expected. In the past years I had intermittently thrown Halloween Parties for friends first starting in Los Angeles and then in San Diego after relocating here. My experience with electronics allowed me to be very creative. The parties were a tremendous success and over the years we saw a gradual increase in the amount of visitors that came to see the house on Halloween night following the party. When the last one was held, now over 6 years ago, the amount of people touring the house numbered in the hundreds most being people we had never met.

I went to visit with some old friends Treggon and Blaine to discuss among other things my marketability and what direction I should take Intelligent Solutions and myself. During the conversation, Blaine told me that I should do a haunted house for North County San Diego. (Blaine had always been one of my biggest fans). Treggon echoed the comment and that was the last I thought about it till the next day when another old friend Bob, called for no particular reason. In 2006 shortly before Jake got sick, Bob and I had discussed doing a haunted house together with me doing the effects and him doing the building of the "house." We had a target date of the following year 2007. When Jake became ill those plans were shelved.

When Bob called, I half jokingly said that if he was still interested in doing a haunted house I was available. Bob excitedly agreed and the "Fright Institute" was born.

Since June, I have been working on this public haunted house which will be located in Carlsbad and opening on the 1st of October. In many ways it is a departure from my normal "safe" lifestyle. It is an expensive gamble with an unknown outcome, however for the first time in my life I am doing something that I have always wanted to do for a living... be creative.

Life is uncertain, tragedy can be waiting any second just outside the door. This chance opportunity is just that, a chance to do something I have always wanted to do. Hard to say how it will turn out but somehow, I believe that Jake has been somewhat involved in this decision. I believe he is somewhere saying "Dad, do something for yourself. Follow your passion to be creative. It is what you have always told me and Anne and Alex and you have spent your first lifetime taking care of us. Now do something for you."

So there it is, you are caught up. Feel free to follow the escapades of Dr. Felix A. Fright (the A stands for AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!) and Professor Mycroft Van Helsing as the story unfolds at:

http://www.frightinstitute.com

One Year

It's Wednesday just 3 days before the one year anniversary when Jake left us and I just watched the memorial video for the first time since the funeral. Happily, I had at least some moments of happiness while looking back at the good memories, even during the worst times. I guess this is a start and what many people have told me would happen.
Still after 1 year I feel only a little better than I did before and still think about Jake almost constantly whenever my mind is not kept busy. I have gotten a little better focus and am attempting to re-construct my life after so many changes in the last 3 years. I am trying to get my edge back.
Watching the video brought back so many realities. What a great human being we lost. How he made us laugh, learn and cry.
Indy, Jakes dog is still with us. I am pretty sure Jake is telling him things to do to annoy me, but despite all his barking and idiosyncracies, he drags his little dog bed across the room with his paws to wherever I am and sleeps next to me while I work. Many people have had dreams with Jake in the dream. Some people believe that Jake is actually visiting them in their dream. After all of the things I have witnessed this year I do not doubt it. I have had many signs which indicate to me that he is absolutely ok and somewhere else very good, but I have not had any dreams. I suspect that when Indy finally joins Jake, and with Jakes sense of humor, he will send Indy to be in my dreams and bark through them all night.
It is a strange thing to contemplate what to do on Saturday. I did not want to sit around in a group and mourn. I have decided that the best thing to do is something for someone else, a tradition I had started on the 9th of every month. This Saturday, Pam and I are going to take Indy to dog beach. The last time we went was before I went to India and it was one of Jakes wishes to see Indy experience the beach. He loved it and got so exausted he did not bark for 2 days.

I can't think of anything better to do than something for the dog he loves so much. For those who may be wondering what to do or say...don't worry. No call needed. I understand that there are no words. Everyone has shown me in the last 3 years how much they care about us. From family to friends to all the people who worked in the doctors offices and hospitals and also became our friends, If you feel you would like to comunicate on this day, I will be happy to get a email note or a call just to say hi. Don't worry about what to say. Again, there are no words and you have all shown me how much you care in the last three years. Watching the video though happy and sad was such a nice reminder for me of all the people that care about us. I treasure my friends and family.

For those of you that might want to view the memorial video, I have included it here. Although sad in some respects, I believe it will also make you smile between tears to remember such a kind, funny sweet person. http://www.intelligentsolutions.tv/video/jacobpastelmemorial.wmv