I suspect that from what others have told me, the pain will continue to decrease. That being said, I had gone to a group grief counseling and listened to several others who too had lost a child at a young age. They expressed their pain as "levels" with 1 being the worst and decreasing as the numbers increased. Most of the time they floated between 3 and 5 which I figure is probably the way I am now. What I had found interesting then was that the people telling their stories were talking about children that had died over 7 years ago and more! At the time I thought "How can it still go down to level one after 7 plus years? Over the past 1.5 years so many have told me how they just cannot imagine how bad one could feel losing a child. I have struggled to figure this out myself and have finally come to be able to explain just how it feels:
When your child is born there is a unexplainable joy that cannot be calculated or explained. It is a love that is so strong it defies explanation. This is a parents love for their children. To lose a child is the exact same feeling except it is 180 degrees in reverse.
My life did not turn out to be exactly the "Leave It To Beaver" or "Donna Reed" show as I had daydreamed and tried so hard to make it be. That being said, I am still having a very good life and a much better one than many. This experience changed me forever, some of it in good ways, others not so good. With all that had happened in the last few years, I still have many fond memories. I have lowered my expectations to a more realistic point of view somewhat although I am still a dreamer and strive to reach for the sky in all things that I do. I still believe that with determination almost anything can be made to happen. I find that almost nothing bothers me anymore with the exception as usual of the health and well being of my family, friends and pets. I lead a much simpler life now. I own less, spend less and appreciate more. I am happy just to be healthy.
I am now re-inventing myself for the third time in my life. My first career was of course electronics and "Captain Video" the company I owned for over 25 years. In 1998 I started my second career Intelligent Solutions which was computer programming, automation, video editing and computer repair and this had done very well for me till a few years ago when the plunge of the economy and the surge of technology caused the prices of computers to drop. Thankfully Intelligent Solutions still continues but like most everyone else at a lower level.
An interesting opportunity came my way in May of this year that I had never expected. In the past years I had intermittently thrown Halloween Parties for friends first starting in Los Angeles and then in San Diego after relocating here. My experience with electronics allowed me to be very creative. The parties were a tremendous success and over the years we saw a gradual increase in the amount of visitors that came to see the house on Halloween night following the party. When the last one was held, now over 6 years ago, the amount of people touring the house numbered in the hundreds most being people we had never met.
I went to visit with some old friends Treggon and Blaine to discuss among other things my marketability and what direction I should take Intelligent Solutions and myself. During the conversation, Blaine told me that I should do a haunted house for North County San Diego. (Blaine had always been one of my biggest fans). Treggon echoed the comment and that was the last I thought about it till the next day when another old friend Bob, called for no particular reason. In 2006 shortly before Jake got sick, Bob and I had discussed doing a haunted house together with me doing the effects and him doing the building of the "house." We had a target date of the following year 2007. When Jake became ill those plans were shelved.
When Bob called, I half jokingly said that if he was still interested in doing a haunted house I was available. Bob excitedly agreed and the "Fright Institute" was born.
Since June, I have been working on this public haunted house which will be located in Carlsbad and opening on the 1st of October. In many ways it is a departure from my normal "safe" lifestyle. It is an expensive gamble with an unknown outcome, however for the first time in my life I am doing something that I have always wanted to do for a living... be creative.
Life is uncertain, tragedy can be waiting any second just outside the door. This chance opportunity is just that, a chance to do something I have always wanted to do. Hard to say how it will turn out but somehow, I believe that Jake has been somewhat involved in this decision. I believe he is somewhere saying "Dad, do something for yourself. Follow your passion to be creative. It is what you have always told me and Anne and Alex and you have spent your first lifetime taking care of us. Now do something for you."
So there it is, you are caught up. Feel free to follow the escapades of Dr. Felix A. Fright (the A stands for AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!) and Professor Mycroft Van Helsing as the story unfolds at:
