Well, it's November 15th, Jake's birthday. Today he is 25 years old, at least in some way, universe or somewhere, Even if wherever he is does not measure time, I am pretty sure he is very happy and even so, misses me and others just like we miss him. But I feel like he is okay, actually pretty good somewhere... Somewhere, because unlike many who seem to know at least in their own mind or opinion where people go, if I am honest with myself (and I always try to be) I just don't know where that is....but I know it is good.
I think he continues to have an effect on me, probably, definitely more that I can realize and somehow, he helps me get through life. I can't prove it and it really is not up for debate. It is just the way I feel, and I have moments of feeling real good. I also have moments of feeling real bad... but I have moments of feeling good.
I got a temporary job the middle of this year that requires me to travel a couple weeks out of each month. It is a huge departure and a polar opposite to what I ever expected my life would be. A couple of weeks out of each month, sometimes up to 3 at a time, I am gone, Away from all family and friends. Occasionally, the opportunity arises that I might work in a town that is near someone I know and I get to visit them which is great and a gift.
Currently I am in Northern California which is unusual and the first time I have worked in my home state. On this trip I have been able to visit my old roommate Philippe, my sister Linda, and spend an awesome evening with my friend Pam's daughter Joelle
As I say, working at a job like this is a huge departure from what I ever expected my life would be...family man...wife and kids...."Hi honey, I'm home! For me, I feel that it is sort of like being an astronaut. Usually I am completely alone. I leave San Diego on a plane (my spaceship) and travel to a town (a planet). I do not know anyone from that town (civilization), I work during the day with people I have previously never met (Aliens) and will likely never see again. I eat at places I will likely never go to again. At the end of the week, I say goodbye to these people I have worked with all week. As they thank me for the time spent and walk out the door, I say goodbye and to myself think "Have a nice life, nice to know you, Ill never see you again." Then I pack up my equipment, return to my hotel, gather my belongings and leave the next day on the plane (my spaceship) for either the next destination...or home (re-entry).
Most of the time it is a fairly isolated experience and a constant emotional change..going from being a resident of San Diego to an astronaut isolated from anyone I know till I "Splash-Down" back in San Diego and become a resident again... until the next journey.
As I say, it is not what I ever thought I would be doing in my life, but it is where I am today, and it has MOMENTS which is what I wanted to talk about today. Good moments, bad moments, and bad moments with good endings.
Several months ago I was finishing a job in Kentucky. My next job would start in two days in Tennessee. I finished the Kentucky job on a Friday and began the drive from Kentucky to Tennessee. Usually I would be flown from location to location, but it this case it made more sense to drive. Since I had never driven to a location that was this far away, had only the GPS on my telephone for directions and have really never gotten over seeing the film "Deliverence", I decided that it would be a good idea to leave very early. That way in case I got lost or the car broke down I would not be in the middle of nowhere with my "purdy mouth"
The road to Tennessee was very heavily wooded, surrounding me with trees and fallen leaves. The sun was just barely breaking through the morning fog which was thick. The rays of the sun pierced through the fog and back-lit the leaves. The scene was suitable for framing.The type of setting you would see in a movie (go figure), and I felt the need to have musical accompaniment, so I selected James Taylor. Turned out the only two albums I had on my memory stick was "One Man Dog" and "October Road" which actually made sense because it was close to October and I was on a road. Would have been really cool if it was October right? But it was September... Hey guess what? The first song on the album and the one that played was "September Grass"
I immediately found myself transported to another place. Hard to explain that place. Some combination of my surroundings and perfect music, but it was one of happiness and peace. Not an overwhelming sense of happiness and, not an overwhelming sense of peace, but some calm combination of the two where for the time being sadness could not get in. I realized this sense, this moment and said to myself, "This is a good moment". Then I tried to get sad. I tried to bring it on and I could not make it come..and it was wonderful and peaceful.
This peaceful feeling lasted throughout the entire album all the way until the very last song "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas". When this song came on I thought, "OK it's way too early for a Christmas song but James does such a nice job I think I will listen to it anyway. By the time this song had started playing, I was leaving the heavily wooded areas and traveling on a long desolate two lane road. And of course being me, I said to myself, "Hey, I'm kind of like a guy in a movie traveling home from a road trip to see his family! Like he's been gone for days and he is almost back home where he will be greeted by his family. At that time this verse played:
Precious friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
I know that
In a year we all will be together...
... and then I got sad, and I was traveling on a lonely road by myself realizing I would not in fact see Jake again for Thanksgiving. At least not the Thanksgivings I am going to.
I started to spiral down emotionally. It was like the end scene from "Hook" where Robin Williams who had finally realized he is Peter Pan, not Peter Banning. But then Captain Hook who has him trapped and is about to kill him says:"
Your not really Peter Pan, you're Peter Banning - a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, is obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children
I continued to plummet down into a lonely sadness. I was in a town thousands of miles away by myself... alone. Not traveling to see my family, but working on a job I never thought I would be doing.
Alone on an empty road spiraling down
And then suddenly in front of me, a deer appeared from out of nowhere and began to run across the road . I slammed on the brakes to slow down and the deer stopped... and looked at me.
For a moment it was just the two of us. Just me and the deer. Both of us made direct eye contact... just for a moment... then he was gone. And somehow...and I don't know how, I just think Jake was at least partially responsible for putting the deer in my path at that moment. Somehow he is around watching his family and stepping in when it is really necessary to remind us that he is OK and that things are OK.
This morning I decided to proof read this post before publishing it. I logged onto the Internet and the page went directly to a picture of Jean Claude Van Damme a person I had not seen or heard mention of since Jake died. He was advertising a new You Tube Video. Jake used to love Jean Claude Van Damme, not because his movies are great, but because he knew I could not stand to watch them and therefore he liked to punish me by making me watch them with him. When I saw the page I smiled. Strange, that being the first web page I see after logging onto the hotel... and it made me smile...another moment.
Several months ago, I was talking to my brother Dale ("Angel Tay"). Talking to him about how I was sad and how life just did not turn out like I expected it would for me.
He said " I know Dan, I think that life is pretty difficult. But in between the difficulties we have moments. Moments of good times and happiness. And we have to realize these moments while we are in them because they are short and sometimes gone before we know it. Then we are back to the struggles and hard times. That's what life is".
Life is moments.Some longer than others some shorter. Moments like the drive through Kentucky and the moment with the deer and the moment with Jean Claude.
If we are lucky, we get quite a few good moments in our life. If we are even luckier, we realize at that time that we are in a moment and stop thinking about other things that distract us from it. If we can do this we can enjoy that moment at it's fullest. Otherwise we end up minimizing or missing that moment completely.
Yes, life is full of moments and I am having them, realizing them and appreciating them. I think this is called living.
Happy Birthday Jake.. I love you
I think he continues to have an effect on me, probably, definitely more that I can realize and somehow, he helps me get through life. I can't prove it and it really is not up for debate. It is just the way I feel, and I have moments of feeling real good. I also have moments of feeling real bad... but I have moments of feeling good.
I got a temporary job the middle of this year that requires me to travel a couple weeks out of each month. It is a huge departure and a polar opposite to what I ever expected my life would be. A couple of weeks out of each month, sometimes up to 3 at a time, I am gone, Away from all family and friends. Occasionally, the opportunity arises that I might work in a town that is near someone I know and I get to visit them which is great and a gift.
Currently I am in Northern California which is unusual and the first time I have worked in my home state. On this trip I have been able to visit my old roommate Philippe, my sister Linda, and spend an awesome evening with my friend Pam's daughter Joelle
As I say, working at a job like this is a huge departure from what I ever expected my life would be...family man...wife and kids...."Hi honey, I'm home! For me, I feel that it is sort of like being an astronaut. Usually I am completely alone. I leave San Diego on a plane (my spaceship) and travel to a town (a planet). I do not know anyone from that town (civilization), I work during the day with people I have previously never met (Aliens) and will likely never see again. I eat at places I will likely never go to again. At the end of the week, I say goodbye to these people I have worked with all week. As they thank me for the time spent and walk out the door, I say goodbye and to myself think "Have a nice life, nice to know you, Ill never see you again." Then I pack up my equipment, return to my hotel, gather my belongings and leave the next day on the plane (my spaceship) for either the next destination...or home (re-entry).
Most of the time it is a fairly isolated experience and a constant emotional change..going from being a resident of San Diego to an astronaut isolated from anyone I know till I "Splash-Down" back in San Diego and become a resident again... until the next journey.
As I say, it is not what I ever thought I would be doing in my life, but it is where I am today, and it has MOMENTS which is what I wanted to talk about today. Good moments, bad moments, and bad moments with good endings.
Several months ago I was finishing a job in Kentucky. My next job would start in two days in Tennessee. I finished the Kentucky job on a Friday and began the drive from Kentucky to Tennessee. Usually I would be flown from location to location, but it this case it made more sense to drive. Since I had never driven to a location that was this far away, had only the GPS on my telephone for directions and have really never gotten over seeing the film "Deliverence", I decided that it would be a good idea to leave very early. That way in case I got lost or the car broke down I would not be in the middle of nowhere with my "purdy mouth"
The road to Tennessee was very heavily wooded, surrounding me with trees and fallen leaves. The sun was just barely breaking through the morning fog which was thick. The rays of the sun pierced through the fog and back-lit the leaves. The scene was suitable for framing.The type of setting you would see in a movie (go figure), and I felt the need to have musical accompaniment, so I selected James Taylor. Turned out the only two albums I had on my memory stick was "One Man Dog" and "October Road" which actually made sense because it was close to October and I was on a road. Would have been really cool if it was October right? But it was September... Hey guess what? The first song on the album and the one that played was "September Grass"
I immediately found myself transported to another place. Hard to explain that place. Some combination of my surroundings and perfect music, but it was one of happiness and peace. Not an overwhelming sense of happiness and, not an overwhelming sense of peace, but some calm combination of the two where for the time being sadness could not get in. I realized this sense, this moment and said to myself, "This is a good moment". Then I tried to get sad. I tried to bring it on and I could not make it come..and it was wonderful and peaceful.
This peaceful feeling lasted throughout the entire album all the way until the very last song "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas". When this song came on I thought, "OK it's way too early for a Christmas song but James does such a nice job I think I will listen to it anyway. By the time this song had started playing, I was leaving the heavily wooded areas and traveling on a long desolate two lane road. And of course being me, I said to myself, "Hey, I'm kind of like a guy in a movie traveling home from a road trip to see his family! Like he's been gone for days and he is almost back home where he will be greeted by his family. At that time this verse played:
Precious friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
I know that
In a year we all will be together...
... and then I got sad, and I was traveling on a lonely road by myself realizing I would not in fact see Jake again for Thanksgiving. At least not the Thanksgivings I am going to.
I started to spiral down emotionally. It was like the end scene from "Hook" where Robin Williams who had finally realized he is Peter Pan, not Peter Banning. But then Captain Hook who has him trapped and is about to kill him says:"
Your not really Peter Pan, you're Peter Banning - a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, is obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children
I continued to plummet down into a lonely sadness. I was in a town thousands of miles away by myself... alone. Not traveling to see my family, but working on a job I never thought I would be doing.
Alone on an empty road spiraling down
And then suddenly in front of me, a deer appeared from out of nowhere and began to run across the road . I slammed on the brakes to slow down and the deer stopped... and looked at me.
For a moment it was just the two of us. Just me and the deer. Both of us made direct eye contact... just for a moment... then he was gone. And somehow...and I don't know how, I just think Jake was at least partially responsible for putting the deer in my path at that moment. Somehow he is around watching his family and stepping in when it is really necessary to remind us that he is OK and that things are OK.
This morning I decided to proof read this post before publishing it. I logged onto the Internet and the page went directly to a picture of Jean Claude Van Damme a person I had not seen or heard mention of since Jake died. He was advertising a new You Tube Video. Jake used to love Jean Claude Van Damme, not because his movies are great, but because he knew I could not stand to watch them and therefore he liked to punish me by making me watch them with him. When I saw the page I smiled. Strange, that being the first web page I see after logging onto the hotel... and it made me smile...another moment.
Several months ago, I was talking to my brother Dale ("Angel Tay"). Talking to him about how I was sad and how life just did not turn out like I expected it would for me.
He said " I know Dan, I think that life is pretty difficult. But in between the difficulties we have moments. Moments of good times and happiness. And we have to realize these moments while we are in them because they are short and sometimes gone before we know it. Then we are back to the struggles and hard times. That's what life is".
Life is moments.Some longer than others some shorter. Moments like the drive through Kentucky and the moment with the deer and the moment with Jean Claude.
If we are lucky, we get quite a few good moments in our life. If we are even luckier, we realize at that time that we are in a moment and stop thinking about other things that distract us from it. If we can do this we can enjoy that moment at it's fullest. Otherwise we end up minimizing or missing that moment completely.
Yes, life is full of moments and I am having them, realizing them and appreciating them. I think this is called living.
Happy Birthday Jake.. I love you
