Thought For The Day

Well, yesterday was 2 months since Jakes passing and my fingers start to shake with sadness even as I type these words. In general, I am handling things a little better realizing I will never really feel right again. I still think about Jake almost all day and marvel at the uncomprehensible reality that he is really not here and will not be. I think however of the children at Radys Childrens hospital, some born there who will never see the outside and Jake who by contrast had a good 20 years, 18 of them being great. Things can always be worse. Sometimes I wonder if it is true that you leave here when you have accomplished what you need to do and learn. Perhaps Jake finished this early.

A friend of mine told me this saying which I thought was fairly profound:

"When we are born we cry and everyone around us is happy, When we die everyone around us cry's but we are happy."

I hope this is so.

LIVE Through It... Don't Just Survive It.

The topic of the day today was..guess what... Jake. I was talking to Marshall about Jake (Marshall calls me at least once a day) We talked again about how hard it is to come to terms with the reality of not seeing Jake again. The reality that he is no longer on this Earth and how hard that is to cope with. We talked again about the fact that you never get over it but simply survive it. However somewhere in the conversation I decided that rather than survive it, I need to LIVE through it. Meaning LIVE my life which is so precious. I really don't want to simply survive it. That is not much of a tribute to Jake who never complained and fought so hard against this devastating illness and yet always kept a smile on his face. I need to LIVE life for my and Jakes sake.
I went to my first grief group session tonight. I was not expecting miracles and did not get any. I did however get a sense of comradery being around others who lost their child. There were not really many answers just a sort of family or familiarity feeling. It was interesting to see that even some parents going on their 17th year of loss still have moments of utter sadness. This is something that will be with me for a lifetime but I will try and make my lifetime as nice as possible if for nothing else to honor Jake.

Another Day

Another day. That is what it seems like most of the time. Another day in a string of non-descript days. I am doing a little better now or so it seems. I tend to break down now about every 3 days instead of 2. I never know when it will hit me. The only think I know is that it will be when I least expect it. I will start to feel strange and nervous and by the time I figure it out, it is usually too late. Today was one of those days. Sitting eating dinner next door and I felt the feeling. I was not sure what it was for a while and then when I figured it out I went over to my house to take my daily anti-anxiety medicine. As I stood in the bathroom and took the cap off the bottle of medicine I looked in the mirror and said to myself "Yep, another day". Then I laid down on the bed did a little crying and waited for it to pass. It took about a half hour and I felt better. Funny how crying helps. Another day done, now to sleep to start the next one. I am going to a grief group on Wednesday night. Hopefully that will help. Never thought I would be going to a support group on a Wednesday night. Seems more like a bowling night. Oh well, another day tomorrow.