A Wonderful Day

It has been a long time since I have written. I felt a loss of ambition and various up and down moments throughout each day. The loss of Jake never really seems to get much easier. The sharp edges of the pain are a little more dull but it is a long haul that I suppose never will really end. For these reasons, I have gone through some moments of less caring and some introvertness the past few months. At least several times a day I still have moments of disbelief that my son is gone. It think this will be forever, no matter what the grief counselors say. It has been a rough year all around with the passing of many public celebrities, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and a friend Vince Ballardo who just passed this weekend in his sleep. It has become increasingly difficult to live in the house where Jake died and so when my roomates decided a couple of weeks ago to re-locate and my son Alex also decided to move out with friends, I felt that it was for good reason and that I should let life take me where it will, there must be a reason. I have begun the process of packing slowly for an eventual evacuation on October 1st. The economy has not been friendly to me and my job search progress and so, as it seems that it may be a long time before I would be able to consider being a homeowner again I have decided to relocate possibly closer to the beach where I will feel closer to Jake. In order to minimize the pains of moving so many items that I rarely will be using for a long time, I have begun selling selected items that may be of better use to others. One such item was the Les Paul guitar that I bought when I was about Jakes age and had given to him. This is where the title of this post comes from.
I advertised the guitar on Craigslist and had quite a few people interested in it. One person however stood out and asked to come see it. His name was Josh and he arrived at my house with his mother. As we started talking I came to find that he was born the same year as Jake and that they would both be near the same age now. As I spoke to him and his mother we both realized that this young man was very similiar in personality to Jake. It became apparent to me that this was the young man I wanted to give the guitar to. One thing led to another and an hour later we had watched Jakes 18th birthday video and spent the rest of the time talking about our kids. It felt very right to give this guitar to Josh. He seemed to have very similiar positive qualities just like Jake and I felt that Jake would approve. It was one of the first times I could talk about Jake and actually feel happy and proud even though he was gone. I could tell after talking to Josh and his mom that Jake was still changing other people's lives for the better and that made me happy. I will not see Jake again for a long time but I live for these positive moments and the ability to be able to show people how proud I am of him and all my kids. On the 9th of every month the aniversary of the day that Jake died, I think about him more than normal and try to keep busy. I have decided that on the 9th of every month I will plan to do something to help others for the entire day. I believe it is a positive way to deal with the anniversary of his death by trying to take the grief and turn it into something helpful. So the 9th of every month is up for grabs if anyone needs help from moving to computer help or anything I can do. (except gardening or painting, I hate gardening and painting!)