February 8th 2009

It is the evening of the 8th and one day before the 1 month anniversary of Jakes passing. Even typing that sentence sends a shot of deep sadness through my body. I left town for 5 days at the end of January to try and get a change of scenery and thoughts. I went to Santa Cruz for 2 days and then to San Luis Obispo to visit my brother Jack. The trip was nice but was filled with memories of Jake that hit me unexpectedly from behind. I have decided that the hardest thing to get through are these instant reminders that you are not ready for. The first one occured when I was bringing my bags to bring to the hotel. As I wheeled the bags toward the counter I felt my heart racing. A aura of panic began to wash over me. It was not until I checked into the hotel and layed on the bed when I realized that the last hotel I stayed in was with Jake in India. The episode lasted about 30 minutes and I cryed like a baby. Afterward, I felt better, somehow the tears seemed to release the tension and stress in my body. I had a couple more episodes during the rest of the trip but less in severity. I expect it will take a long time to be fully functional again. It seems that I get about 1 minute better each day and have some type of breakdown every few days. I continue to try and remain productive and succeed most of the time. Other times I just think of excuses to leave the house to break the monotony. I think it is important to perservere while still experiencing these feelings. I try to remember that Jake was so strong and positive during his illness and he would want us all to be happy and do the same. For us to fail in this would be to let Jake down to an extent. I am sure if he could talk to me now he would tell me to stop acting silly and enjoy life like he did even at the worst of times. He is a tough act to follow.