Magical Tribute to Jake

We have put together a magic show with performers from the Hollywood Magic Castle as both a fundraiser to help pay medical bills and to send sick children from Rady Childrens Hospital to the event for free.
Everyone is invited. Helping other sick children feels good and would make Jake proud.
To see the flyer click here:
http://www.intelligentsolutions.tv/jakebenefitflyer.pdf
The address of La Costa Canyon High School, where the event is being held is:
1 Maverick Way
Carlsbad CA
The event will be held in the auditorium
Here is a link to the event via google maps:
http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?country=US&countryid=250&addtohistory=&address=1+Maverick+Way&city=Carlsbad&state=Ca&zipcode=92009&submit=Get+Map

Not Doin' So Great

Having gotten through a great portion of Jakes room, I can see that eventually the task will end. I have removed about 3/4 of the things that identified Jake to me ie: his music and movies, clothes and some books but I still need to go through all of his writings and things from when he was a younger child. I am progressing fairly well in the re-organization of my life with things being completed that were on hold for the last couple of years. As I start to see an ending to this portion of my grieving I seem to actually have more saddness. Similiar to reaching the end of a book that you really enjoy. As sad as the ending is you still read to the very last page. Putting away Jakes things, although painfull is sort of like holding on and continuing to read a book when you already know the ending. There is that sad feeling of almost being done but in this case there is not another book to read next. I guess that is why it is called a chapter in our lives. There will be a time when I put away the last part of Jakes life and officially close the physical memories of his lifetime... close the read book so to speak, and that reality makes me sad. All that is left is to continue by creating new stories now about Jake ie: the "Relentless" book and trying to do things that carry on what he has given and taught all of us. I miss him. No matter how much I write about it I cannot explain in words how much I miss that boy.

On the train, On the road back

I am on the train back from San Luis Obispo after visiting my mom and my brother Jack. On the train by myself, yet another first and a memory of Jake and I going to the airport in Bangalore by train. Another realization of a time we had and can't have again. Interesting all that the human mind remembers. Songs come on the radio that I have not heard literally for years and I still remember the lyrics. I suppose everything is stored in our brain somewhere. Every moment of our life, every memory. Using this logic it appears that I will forever reminisce sadly and sometimes fondly of my life with Jake. There are probably hundreds more "first times" I will experience and emotionally deal with in the coming months and years. I have spent the last couple of months dealing with these feelings in several ways. One thing I have been doing is re-organizing my house and completing tasks that went on hold back in November of 2006 when Jake started having symptoms. Initially my first goal was to rid the house of every possible memory of cancer, from syringes to medicines. Even clothing he wore when he got sick. The next chore and truly the most difficult since the funeral has been deciding what to keep. Our good friend Michelle has decided to make both Marci and I quilts from some of Jakes favorite shirts. That took care of the clothes but there are still so many items to consider from music to books, childhood trophies and toys. It is a long painfull process and only something I can do a little at a time. I will hope that I can find mostly joy in memories of these items one day instead of sorrow at what is gone for now.
I have decided now to force myself to be more driven at getting myself out of this slump. One way I am going to do this is by starting my book, the title now changed from "Saving Jake" to "Relentless" a title that speaks to the manner in which this cancer spreads and also to the way Jake decided to fight this disease, with a positive outlook and humor.
The second thing I am going to do is become more focused at work. The economy has not been helpful in this regard but I will succeed through determination.
Lastly, I will continue to try and grow my connection with my other children who were put virtually "On Hold" for two years when Jake got sick. I realize my mourning is not over and to a degree never will be but as I have said before, Jake would think less of me if I did not set a good example as he did on how to live and survive in the face of adversity.

As my good friend Marshall has told me in the past, "As bad as things are they can always get worse". I have several things to be thankful for.

1. Jake was not taken by a drunk driver or kidnapped by another person. As Jake always said "Cancer is not prejudice and it has no conscience, it gets who it gets"
I would have a much more difficult time if his death was caused by another person rather than an unnamed killer.

2. Jake was luckier than many children we saw over the last couple of years at Childrens Hospital. Many died at birth or shortly thereafter. It was not uncommon to see 1 and 2 year olds in make-shift wagons being pulled by a nurse down hospital corridors with infusion pumps connected to their body. Jake and I would look at each other during these times and as was normal for us, speak without speaking. We both knew that he was luckier than many.

3. At least 18 of Jakes 20 years were very happy. The last two years of his life although difficult had many good times as Jake got close to all of his relatives and many people he never had met before.

4. Jake changed the lives of many, promoted awareness for new types of cancer therapy and showed so many what is important in life. To this day I find pictures of him in many locations, from family to friends. I am told constantly that when life is getting them down, they look at Jakes picture and remember how to deal with adversity.

Long Emotional Days Part 2

On the subject of long emotional days and the multiple layers involved in mourning there are significant areas that seem to be much more difficult then others and some that are guaranteed to be terrible. Such was yesterday when I began the sad sad process of moving some things out of Jakes room and into mine to make room for a new roomate that will be coming aboard in June. My niece Teresa will be moving into Jake's room and Sharissa (the new roomate) into hers. It did not help that I let my anti-anxiety medicine run out. Sufficed to say I became a complete basket case as I began to move things out of Jakes room and into mine. Part of it was the confirmation that Jake was gone and his room would no longer belong to him. Another part was seeing all the music and movies he had bought and set up meticulously along with other articles that defined his identity. After moving several items of Jakes we have decided to keep into my room and watching as simultaneously Jakes room became less Jakes room and more of a generic room my sadness increased. Such a statement of the end of his life on this Earth. I began looking at some of the movies he had collected over the last few years. Movies that most people would not even watch but movies that Jake found meaning and laughter with. I looked back on how every day Jake and I would go to the book or cd store or out to lunch. Jake got anything he wanted in those last couple of years. From books to cd's to lunches. The result, his physical legacy now partially in my room and his and I walked over to Pam's house my neighbor and collappsed on the bed (for the upteenth) time crying hysterically. I explained to her that I did not know if I would be able to stand seeing his things every day without being sad. I thought I might have to pack it all up till such a time as my heart has at least partially healed over. I felt it would be a mistake to jump to any quick decisions.
After the cry as usual I felt better and when I went back home I saw the possibility that I may be able to get myself to a point where I can see only the positive things about Jakes earthly goods and not concentrate on the negative. For now, that is what I will try to do. I am not sure what this blog entry does for anyone. Perhaps it is a guide for what to expect so that you are not blindsighted should a disaster occur. Even though I seem to have outlined many of the major feelings and situations one is liable to go through, there as still many more left that I do not even know about. It is hard to conceive that I may one day be fairly recovered from this. It is difficult to define recovered in this case. As for Jake, when I get this sad, I think of him up there laughing at me and when my time comes one day I know that when he greets me it will not be with him running to me excitedly and giving me a big hug. No, I expect that the first thing he will say to me as he stands there calmly with a mischevious smile on his face is "Well, how much did you miss me?" Then when I want to run to him and give him a hug, I will hear him say.."Wait! First you have to say hello to Indy" (his dog)..."Look at him!"

Long Emotional Days Part 1

I am continually surprised at how I inaccurately assume where I am at in the mourning process. It seems that usually when I state it is getting easier the next day or hour it becomes much more difficult. Mourning the loss of your child has many layers that are not readily apparent. Some days I assume it will be a terrible day and then I am proven wrong and it is just fine. Other days that I think will feel great are horrible. Take the last couple days... Yesterday, I decided to stop by Childrens Hospital as I had not been there since Jake died. I anticipated that it would be a very difficult thing to do as most of my previous visits were with Jake while he was alive. I went however into the building and found myself doing very well. I was stopped several times by doctors, nurses and other staff members who had helped during the course of his disease. Everyone gave me hugs and told me how much Jake meant to them and how his life brought so much joy and laughter to their day. I felt that Jake was still with me (which I suppose is possible because before I got out of the car I said "Jake, you better be right by my side during this!") The visit went well including a session with the staff psychologist as we reminisced and talked about Jake. After the session, I had a final lunch meal at the cafeteria where I had gone so many times in the last few years when Jake was in treatment. It was odd to know that this would probably be my last meal at that location. I no longer have children under the age of 18. Like the last day of school I looked back on the last two years with some fondness, lots of sadness and still a sense of disbelief of what we actually went through in the last two years. Looking around the cafeteria and the receptionist areas I saw some parents that were just starting treatment for their sick child and felt sorry for the long road that was just about to begin for them.
My last stop for the day was the San Diego Hyperbaric facility to return a chair I had borrowed to assist in helping Jake get around. This journey was very sad as I walked into the office for the first time without Jake. The size of the office was of course much smaller than the hospital and as I walked out the door for the last time I paused by my car to look up at the sky and once again ponder the idea that this was all real and actually happening.

Hello World

I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I seem to be doing a little better, accent on little. I still have an impossible time really accepting the truth, and I probably never will. At least a few times a day I stare at a picture of Jake, maybe one on the refrigerator or in a frame on the wall. Sometimes I will see a file or directory on my computer while I am looking for something else. Then I just sit there for a moment and contemplate the fact that I really have lost Jake. The Laurel to my Hardy, one of my most precious friends. To realize again and again that he actually is gone is so sad and I find myself saying "This is just unbelievable and so wrong." I still do not seem to be able to go through more than 2 or three days between crying and breakdowns but they slowly seem to get a little further in between and I still feel like I am walking around in a daze.
On a more positive note, I was fortunate to spend an hour with a prominent psychic medium last week. I am sure this is a controversial subject and I have my own set of doubts and questions. However, after speaking with this person who seems to be able to talk to people on the "Other Side" I found myself more comforted than before and more confident that Jake actually is ok, just somewhere else. It was not so much any concrete facts or realizations (even though there were quite a few) but more in how the medium talked about Jake and his sense of humor and personality even though she had never met him. In the end, as I say, I believe he is happy, healthy, learning and having fun now. I believe I will see him one day and we will all be happy again. Unfortunately the struggle now is to be happy until then and it is a struggle. I have heard so many talk about how they hate their birthdays and are sad to be another year older. Each time I hear this I think about Jake and want to remind them that to grow older is better than the alternative. Fortunately for most, the loss of a child is not something they can wrap their heads around and something I hope they never have to deal with. Every day we are on this earth is a gift.
I am in the process of re-inventing myself after having lost so much in the last 3 years. I have applied to several companies for various possible positions and am re-building my computer business. Not sure how long it will take. It has been a long drop from being a homeowner with 2 companies to where I am now. I miss my theatre but I am happy to be in a home with heat and basic comforts.