On the train, On the road back

I am on the train back from San Luis Obispo after visiting my mom and my brother Jack. On the train by myself, yet another first and a memory of Jake and I going to the airport in Bangalore by train. Another realization of a time we had and can't have again. Interesting all that the human mind remembers. Songs come on the radio that I have not heard literally for years and I still remember the lyrics. I suppose everything is stored in our brain somewhere. Every moment of our life, every memory. Using this logic it appears that I will forever reminisce sadly and sometimes fondly of my life with Jake. There are probably hundreds more "first times" I will experience and emotionally deal with in the coming months and years. I have spent the last couple of months dealing with these feelings in several ways. One thing I have been doing is re-organizing my house and completing tasks that went on hold back in November of 2006 when Jake started having symptoms. Initially my first goal was to rid the house of every possible memory of cancer, from syringes to medicines. Even clothing he wore when he got sick. The next chore and truly the most difficult since the funeral has been deciding what to keep. Our good friend Michelle has decided to make both Marci and I quilts from some of Jakes favorite shirts. That took care of the clothes but there are still so many items to consider from music to books, childhood trophies and toys. It is a long painfull process and only something I can do a little at a time. I will hope that I can find mostly joy in memories of these items one day instead of sorrow at what is gone for now.
I have decided now to force myself to be more driven at getting myself out of this slump. One way I am going to do this is by starting my book, the title now changed from "Saving Jake" to "Relentless" a title that speaks to the manner in which this cancer spreads and also to the way Jake decided to fight this disease, with a positive outlook and humor.
The second thing I am going to do is become more focused at work. The economy has not been helpful in this regard but I will succeed through determination.
Lastly, I will continue to try and grow my connection with my other children who were put virtually "On Hold" for two years when Jake got sick. I realize my mourning is not over and to a degree never will be but as I have said before, Jake would think less of me if I did not set a good example as he did on how to live and survive in the face of adversity.

As my good friend Marshall has told me in the past, "As bad as things are they can always get worse". I have several things to be thankful for.

1. Jake was not taken by a drunk driver or kidnapped by another person. As Jake always said "Cancer is not prejudice and it has no conscience, it gets who it gets"
I would have a much more difficult time if his death was caused by another person rather than an unnamed killer.

2. Jake was luckier than many children we saw over the last couple of years at Childrens Hospital. Many died at birth or shortly thereafter. It was not uncommon to see 1 and 2 year olds in make-shift wagons being pulled by a nurse down hospital corridors with infusion pumps connected to their body. Jake and I would look at each other during these times and as was normal for us, speak without speaking. We both knew that he was luckier than many.

3. At least 18 of Jakes 20 years were very happy. The last two years of his life although difficult had many good times as Jake got close to all of his relatives and many people he never had met before.

4. Jake changed the lives of many, promoted awareness for new types of cancer therapy and showed so many what is important in life. To this day I find pictures of him in many locations, from family to friends. I am told constantly that when life is getting them down, they look at Jakes picture and remember how to deal with adversity.