Four years later and it's almost here again. It has been hovering steadily behind me. I can't see it, but I can feel it. The Day. That day I will think about every year as it comes up. It's kind of like a piece of elastic tied to my shoulder hovering right behind me. Almost like an aura. If I try to get ahead of it I can...for moments. Then the elastic pulls in and the pain goes right past me and stares me straight in the face. Happily, I have done better with it this year. Like my grief counselor said, the sharpness of it will become less. Happy memories are now greater than unhappy memories. I actually can look at pictures and begin to watch some old videos and smile at the good times and what a wonderful boy he was and still is...somewhere.
Quote from the movie Rabbit Hole:
Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right... that. Which could be awful - not all the time. It's kinda... not that you like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.
Yep, somehow, I like having the brick.
Things to do. I have been watching a friends house for a couple of days and as I sat down to write this, their white dog Bailey is sitting next to me with a look that is saying
"Look, I know you have problems but it is the morning and you need to feed me right now!"
I look back at him and say to myself, "Hey, It's only 7:30. You usually don't eat till 8 so don't look at me that way."
Of course then I give in immediately and feed him because no matter what happens in life we still have things we need to get done. We always have things we need to get done.So to all of those who go through similar situations, some worse than mine, some less, I say...keep moving. Keep moving, keep working, keep trying. I am still trying to work my way out of the Rabbit Hole. For Anne and Alex, always know that I love you so much. I hate the idea that I feel compelled to write in this post, but I am glad that I don't have to write it about you guys.
Now, everyone take a moment and call the people you care about and let them know just how much.
Quote from the movie Rabbit Hole:
Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right... that. Which could be awful - not all the time. It's kinda... not that you like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.
Yep, somehow, I like having the brick.
Things to do. I have been watching a friends house for a couple of days and as I sat down to write this, their white dog Bailey is sitting next to me with a look that is saying
"Look, I know you have problems but it is the morning and you need to feed me right now!"
I look back at him and say to myself, "Hey, It's only 7:30. You usually don't eat till 8 so don't look at me that way."
Of course then I give in immediately and feed him because no matter what happens in life we still have things we need to get done. We always have things we need to get done.So to all of those who go through similar situations, some worse than mine, some less, I say...keep moving. Keep moving, keep working, keep trying. I am still trying to work my way out of the Rabbit Hole. For Anne and Alex, always know that I love you so much. I hate the idea that I feel compelled to write in this post, but I am glad that I don't have to write it about you guys.
Now, everyone take a moment and call the people you care about and let them know just how much.
2 comments:
Nice story. Thinking of you and everyone today. Nothing but the best. Love and miss you. Chris and Linda and the girls
You carry your brick courageously and you should be proud of yourself for not letting it sink you down the hole. I admire the new you it has transformed you into.
I am with you for this day of remembrance.
Philippe
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