Today is Jake's birthday, he would be 24 today. For me he IS 24 today, growing up in a different place.
I got up after laying in bed for about 45 minutes thinking. The evening had it's usual nightmares, not clear enough to remember, maybe not even about him. Just a low level tenseness with pieces of memory flashing by and some moments of extreme sadness and still of course, disbelief.
I lay there in bed there wondering what to do with this day. Live was the answer. Live and be happy. Today is a day of celebration for me. A celebration of the excitement and thrill, and appreciation of the gift I was given 24 years ago. One of my 3 finest gifts, the other two being Annie and Alex. I am so lucky really. I have been given so much, and while it hurts so bad, so much of the time it is the loss that really makes me appreciate the gifts. Not that I want it that way, I would much rather be much less appreciative and have Jake alive, more than just in my heart and wherever he is. But it is the loss that has made me appreciate my children and my life even more.
I still remember, standing by the Will Call shelf at Captain Video when I got the call. My wife telling me we are going to have a baby today and that I needed to get to the hospital. In my typical fashion, I thought immediately of Rob and Laura Petrie from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" and at that moment I was Rob. I immediately lost all my calm and walked in circles wondering what to do next.
Jake did not show up till the next morning, 24 years ago today but I will always remember the moment I held him in my arms. I remember him crying and I looked at him and said "Hi Jake" something I had done every day to his mom's stomach for 9 months. He stopped crying immediately. I knew then for sure he would be my buddy. Just like Annie was, going with me everywhere, constantly falling asleep in the shopping cart at the market against my hand, or Alex who still will lean over on to me to this very day when we watch a movie, and hug me, or fall asleep against me. I have some great kids, some great gifts. Now I watch people around me that are just starting out, whose children are infants or toddlers and it makes me so happy to see the love they have for their children. I see it in their eyes, I feel it in the air. It is the gift that I was given. I really have led a charmed life.
I have equated my life to a series of television shows (big surprise). Small moments in time with great happiness and great sadness. "Dan as a Child", "Dan as a Teenager" "The Dan & Marci Show, "The Duplex" and the show I am currently involved in which is still running.
Each of these series have had a lot of episodes, some good, some not so good, but If I look back at each series, I can honestly say that there were far more great episodes than bad ones. A lot of people do not get the chance to be in so many good shows. We have to appreciate and remember these shows, especially the good episodes because that is what life is, a series of small moments in time, and they can be gone before we realize it. Don't think of your life as one long life. It will be filled with all kinds of adventures, lots of short stories. Appreciate them and find the good in each story. If you look at your life as one long story, you will continually long to reach some sort of happy ending. but life is full of small happy endings, short television episodes. Remember the episodes. The Dan & Marci Show will probably, most certainly be my all time favorite show because this show starred Me, my wife and my kids. There was no greater cast. It was the Seinfeld of my life and will never be duplicated. I had some of my finest moments and most difficult times in it.
A lot of you are in a similar show right now, your Seinfeld. Live in the show and enjoy each episode aware that it could get cancelled. That way you will enjoy each episode. It is the loss, whether through passing of time or through disaster that gives us the balance and the appreciation of what we have.
I miss Jake. Every single day. Every single day. But today is his birthday, a celebration of the gift I was given. 20 years of heaven on Earth was given to me in the form of a child.
I love you Annie and I love you Alex my other two gifts I am happy to be your Daddy.
And thank you too Marci for these gifts.
Happy Birthday "Jake-Old"
Love "Dan-Old"
I got up after laying in bed for about 45 minutes thinking. The evening had it's usual nightmares, not clear enough to remember, maybe not even about him. Just a low level tenseness with pieces of memory flashing by and some moments of extreme sadness and still of course, disbelief.
I lay there in bed there wondering what to do with this day. Live was the answer. Live and be happy. Today is a day of celebration for me. A celebration of the excitement and thrill, and appreciation of the gift I was given 24 years ago. One of my 3 finest gifts, the other two being Annie and Alex. I am so lucky really. I have been given so much, and while it hurts so bad, so much of the time it is the loss that really makes me appreciate the gifts. Not that I want it that way, I would much rather be much less appreciative and have Jake alive, more than just in my heart and wherever he is. But it is the loss that has made me appreciate my children and my life even more.
I still remember, standing by the Will Call shelf at Captain Video when I got the call. My wife telling me we are going to have a baby today and that I needed to get to the hospital. In my typical fashion, I thought immediately of Rob and Laura Petrie from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" and at that moment I was Rob. I immediately lost all my calm and walked in circles wondering what to do next.
Jake did not show up till the next morning, 24 years ago today but I will always remember the moment I held him in my arms. I remember him crying and I looked at him and said "Hi Jake" something I had done every day to his mom's stomach for 9 months. He stopped crying immediately. I knew then for sure he would be my buddy. Just like Annie was, going with me everywhere, constantly falling asleep in the shopping cart at the market against my hand, or Alex who still will lean over on to me to this very day when we watch a movie, and hug me, or fall asleep against me. I have some great kids, some great gifts. Now I watch people around me that are just starting out, whose children are infants or toddlers and it makes me so happy to see the love they have for their children. I see it in their eyes, I feel it in the air. It is the gift that I was given. I really have led a charmed life.
I have equated my life to a series of television shows (big surprise). Small moments in time with great happiness and great sadness. "Dan as a Child", "Dan as a Teenager" "The Dan & Marci Show, "The Duplex" and the show I am currently involved in which is still running.
Each of these series have had a lot of episodes, some good, some not so good, but If I look back at each series, I can honestly say that there were far more great episodes than bad ones. A lot of people do not get the chance to be in so many good shows. We have to appreciate and remember these shows, especially the good episodes because that is what life is, a series of small moments in time, and they can be gone before we realize it. Don't think of your life as one long life. It will be filled with all kinds of adventures, lots of short stories. Appreciate them and find the good in each story. If you look at your life as one long story, you will continually long to reach some sort of happy ending. but life is full of small happy endings, short television episodes. Remember the episodes. The Dan & Marci Show will probably, most certainly be my all time favorite show because this show starred Me, my wife and my kids. There was no greater cast. It was the Seinfeld of my life and will never be duplicated. I had some of my finest moments and most difficult times in it.
A lot of you are in a similar show right now, your Seinfeld. Live in the show and enjoy each episode aware that it could get cancelled. That way you will enjoy each episode. It is the loss, whether through passing of time or through disaster that gives us the balance and the appreciation of what we have.
I miss Jake. Every single day. Every single day. But today is his birthday, a celebration of the gift I was given. 20 years of heaven on Earth was given to me in the form of a child.
I love you Annie and I love you Alex my other two gifts I am happy to be your Daddy.
And thank you too Marci for these gifts.
Happy Birthday "Jake-Old"
Love "Dan-Old"
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