The Emotional Rollercoaster of Cancer

We were at dinner tonight, at the buffet and when I was returning from getting Jake his food I noticed his head sway in a odd direction. This was enough for me to ask him what it was. He said he felt the knot again for a moment. Immediately I questioned him and found that this is the first time in 3 weeks or more he had felt it and that it only lasted for a second. He still has had no headaches or other symptoms. As the evening progressed, there was no sign of other problems. I am counting on the fact that it is simply the tumor getting smaller or annoyed at the treatment.
We met a couple, Angie and Steve who have just started Cytotron treatment for colon and liver cancer. They are from Scotland and have also been battling their cancer for 2 years. Talking and looking at Angie, I can see the concern and fear she has for her own health and survival. There is a strong resemblence to the way I feel and we seem to share an instant unspoken communication and compassion for each other. Such seems to be the way it is for cancer patients and their loved ones. I felt my demeanor immediately switch from one of relaxation and calmness to that of controled anxiety when I saw Jake move his head. Now, I have started once again to tell myself that everything is fine and to remain cautiously optimistic. I understand that we cannot spend our lives worrying about possibilities that may never be and must concentrate on today. I remind myself that many people die everyday for many reasons other than cancer. Most of them probably do not even know it is coming so each day is precious and to be enjoyed, not spent worrying about possibilities. To continue to worry is a waste. To quote my friend Marshall, "Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse" The main reason I am writing this post is because when I felt the change in my anxiety, I started to try and understand what it reminded me of. After a moment of thought, I realized that it reminded me of a rollercoaster. At the bottom of the ride you are happy, carefree and comfortable. As the ride begins, you feel a slow growing anxiety that rises to fear as you approach the top of the ride. Then there is the moment when you are at the top of the ride neither going up or down, just in limbo waiting to see what is going to happen next. This is how I feel most of the time. Will the ride stop and slowly go back down to the ground or will I plummet into sheer terror in an attempt to reach ground level once again. The only thing that seems certain is that if we are lucky to achieve ground level (and I think we will) I will forever be on the ride, hopefully at ground level always, but never getting off the ride until someone announces the "Cure" as they did with Polio and many other diseases from the past. This, I imagine is how most cancer sufferers and their family feel. It is like some bad nightmarish Twilight Zone (Knew I would get a Tv reference in there somehow)
My brother (Angel Tay) told me something once that I still remember always. It was during the "salad days" as I like to call them (From "Raising Arizona") It was a time just a few years back of happiness and little worry when I had more of the comforts of home then many have or ever will have. Still, I found reasons to complain as we all do from time to time. He reminded me that right now is the best times of our lives. Right now we are all healthy. Every day we get older and more prone to illness. We are lucky, he added that we have all been so fortunate to have most of our loved ones healthy and alive at this age. Anything else is simply a gift, something extra but we should all be careful to remember the gifts we already have and not focus so much on the ones we feel we "need" Life can change in an instant he said. Was he ever right!