Todays Lesson: Birthdays and Holidays

Today was a interesting day. My 52nd birthday. I had been thinking about it off and on during the course of the last couple of weeks. Many people had called to see what I wanted to do. Family talked about party's or some type of special event to try and make it as much fun as possible. People are so nice and caring. I received many calls during the course of the week and today. While I am certain that many were concerned what it would be like to have my first birthday without one of my children and so close to that sad day when Jake left us, many may have forgotten or were not aware that Jake was actually officially diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme Grade IV on the day of my 50th birthday now 2 years ago today. Until January 9th at 2:40PM of this year when Jake left us, my 50th birthday stood out as the worst birthday and the worst day of my life. On the other hand, the stress of turning 50 was completely lost on me on that day as the news of Jakes sickness had made me understand that 50 is simply a number and one we should be happy to reach rather than dread. I now look at birthdays as presents in their own rights just as I do each day that I am on this earth. My birthday will always carry mixed feelings for the rest of my life as will each and every holiday that will occur during the course of this and subsequent years. Losing Jake has grounded me in what is important and although I feel I was always fairly well grounded in what matters, there is no question now. It is of course health, family, friends and pets and that is it.

As I climb out of my emotional and financial hole and continue on the ride of life that took such a severe and awkward turn 2 years ago on this day, I realize that I will never have the same amount of motivation for the transient things of this world. True, I will look forward to emotional and financial stability, but the dreams of the house, nice car and such will never carry the same amount of weight. Holidays and birthdays will probably always be difficult but my motivation to do more than just get through them will be Jake. I think about him up in heaven or wherever he is. I think about his bravery and the smile that never left his face during the 26 months that he was sick and I will continue to try and make him proud. I equate the holidays and birthdays as sort of the "Our Song" that one has with a girlfriend or wife. That familiar tune that can bring sadness and a rush of memories when it comes on the radio and you are reminded that "That was our song." Choices, always choices as to how we deal with things that haunt and try to destroy us when we hear or relive the song. For me, I remember a particular time in my 20's when I had a shocking breakup with a serious girlfriend. I walked to the car that morning after discovering events that had been happening for months. As I drove away with tears in my eyes, one of my favorite Frank Sinatra medlies "Angel Eyes/Gal That Got away " came on the cd player with these and more poignant lyrics:

"Try to think that love’s not around
Still it’s uncomfortably near
My poor old heart ain’t gaining any ground
Because my angel eyes ain’t here"

"The night is bitter
The stars have lost their glitter
The winds grow colder
Suddenly you’re a lot older"

The road gets rougher
It's lonelier and it's tougher
With hope you burn up
Tomorrow maybe she'll turn up
There ain't no let up the live long night, the night and day...

As I listened to the song now some 20 years ago, I had thought "Great! now every time I hear this song I am going to remember this time and be sad. This sucks!"
Then something happened. I decided to play the song over and over. I did it perhaps 10 or more times and sang it as loud as I could because I decided that no girl or romance would ruin one of my favorite songs. My idea worked and after playing it over and over again it remained and still remains one of my favorite songs. I did not let the circumstances of the situation ruin my love for life, for "The Song".

Of course losing Jake is much more devastating than the loss of a relationship. In fact, I do not believe there can be anything more difficult than losing a child. If there was such thing as an evil force out there that was trying to destroy me, they picked the absolute worst thing that anyone could think of. However like the song 20 years ago, I promise for my sake, my children's sake and to make Jake as proud as he made me, to never give up and and die emotionally. To do this is disrespectful to Jake who never complained and always smiled all the way to the end. Although he would never really be mad at me, he would be looking down at me with a confused look thinking "What are you doing???" I will continue to make Jake and the rest of my family as proud as I can by celebrating his life and showing all that you do not quit. One day at a time, one holiday at a time for the rest of my life.