Another Day

Well, it is Sunday night. Easter night. I went over to my Dad's house in L.A. It's always a little bit difficult when I am here. For one thing, I am away from home and the things that keep my mind busy. For another, it is still weird to be here on a family occasion without all of my family. Jake's birthday on November 2008 was the last time my entire core family was together. It seemed that we were celebrating the success of Jake's treatment and looking forward to having all this behind us. Then, about a day after staying here, We left for home and on the way Jake started to feel sick. It looked like he had caught a cold from someone at the airport in New Delhi. We did not know that it was more than a cold we would be dealing with soon.. New tumors had started growing where the Cytotron treatment was not centered. We did not know we were about to begin the final journey.

So now I sit all alone. This time in the kitchen of my Dad's house writing in my blog much like I did the night before we left for India a few years ago. I have spent the last few years getting re-organized, catching up on everything I let go of when Jake got sick. I have accomplished much. All my taxes are complete, everything I had that was paper has been scanned and stored electronically and I have managed to reduce my expenses significantly. I have given away, donated and sold many of my posessions which has been very freeing. I feel that I am headed back on the track to normalcy. I have been studying new computer technologies in hopes to land a decent job and even developed a plan to exercise my creativity while being responsible and earning money.

Still, I feel as though I am in another world. Almost like I am on the other side of a two way mirror watching everyone else live. It seems that many feel or hope that I am now at the point where I should really be getting over this. The reality is that they hope for me to be better because they all care about me and if I feel better, so will they. It must be difficult for them, there is really not much anyone can say. I still wake early, get up and stay busy learning things, then go to bed when I know I will be able to fall to sleep fast. I think in general I am doing well with the struggle, but I realize now it really is not a struggle to beat, simply a struggle to continually overcome on a daily basis for the rest of my life.

For my own sake and to respect how strong Jake was I will always continue to try and be better every day and enjoy the life that I have been given but I am not sure when if ever I will really be able to come out from behind the two way glass and participate more in life. The point is that I am trying, I will always try... for my own self and to salute Jake whom I miss so much.

That being said, a small footnote. I love my two children Anne and Alex and my niece Teresa whom I consider as close to my own as anyone can be. And I love Joelle, my girlfriends daughter. I was meant to be a father. Being a father has always been the best gift I was ever given in life. It is my most favorite thing to be.