Incredibly difficult

It is not getting easier. Although I have really been mourning Jake for over 2 years when he was not the Jake I used to know he was always tangibly there. Now I realize with immediate fright and sorrow that I cannot touch him or hope to see him for a long time. I go to the beach almost every day and that seems to give me some benefit but the loss of his physical prescence, the loss of my son is unimaginable. To think that we will not have coffee together, go to the book store or any of the things we did is so sad. I have lost one of my best friends. As the days go by my realization of this fact increases and when I look at pictures I see only what used to be and will not be again for a long time. Knowing he is healthy and happy now is my consolation. Knowing he has helped and continues to help others is another.